As some of you know my husband Ken had early onset osteoarthritis. Thanks to great doctors and new advances in joint replacement he had 2 hip replacements at an early age. At our last checkup Ken asked a question. He had been invited to go sky diving to celebrate a friend’s birthday. He asked if that would be ok to do? Dr. Manner replied with “what would anybody want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for, no”! Why do I sometimes feel like that is what people think we are doing with our lives now? Let’s back up a “few” years.

Ken went into the computer industry straight out of tech school. He worked in the industry for several years and then decided that he really wasn’t meant to be a computer tech for the rest of his life. He started testing for the fire service and got hired on his second try. He was “late to the game” as far as age goes but didn’t really care. He became a firefighter and loved it. He loved the service part of it and helping others. He had the heart and personality to do a great job in the field and patients loved him! What he didn’t know then was God was preparing his heart for something bigger!

Ken became a Christian a year after he got his job at the fire department. Again “late to the game”! We met the same summer and the rest is history! Ken immediately felt called to minister to others, specifically high school students. This began a life of being involved at different levels with teens. Summers were spent at camp, Sunday nights were spent in a bible study in our home, and weekdays off were spent coaching or at the high school. Life was never dull!

As the years went by he felt called to full time ministry but the timing never seemed right. Life sometimes has a way of getting away from you. You have kids, you buy a house, a death in the family happens, etc. Pretty soon you are looking at your life and thinking that if you are going to make this jump now is the time.

And that is where the perfectly good airplane comes in. Do you really want to jump out of it? Why would you want to give up every young boy’s dream of firefighting for? The money isn’t great but it isn’t bad. The hours and days are the greatest! It isn’t a bad gig! And generally people (citizens) love you!

Over the course of several months God started to change both of our hearts. We thought and looked at every option. Maybe this was the time to go on a “grand adventure”? Maybe this was the time for me to step up and take a full time job somewhere and Ken stay home and volunteer full time. We talked and investigated different options.

And then those little thoughts of doubts would creep in. What if this isn’t really God’s plan for our lives? What if he is meant to stay at the fire department until the very end? Do we really want to change our lifestyles this drastically? And what would your friends and family say?

Lyrics from a song, Brave by Nicole Nordeman, come to mind. It was written in 2005 when we were going through enormous transition in our family. But maybe it was meant for now?

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now, it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave

And then an offer came in that made us stop and take a look. Ken was offered a full time job with Auburn Young Life. We had never thought about staying in Auburn. Always in our thoughts we had seen ourselves packing up the house and moving somewhere. But Ken has always had a heart and call for the teens in Auburn and this felt right.

So we put on the parachute. Are we nuts? Maybe! Are we scared? Absolutely! Are we crazy? Maybe? Ken began the process of transitioning out of the Fire Department and hopefully by next January we can take the jump out of the airplane and start a new adventure in life.

But hasn’t that really been how we have lived our whole lives?

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Johua 1:9

Every year when I was little my mom and my Aunt would go Christmas shopping “downtown”.  Eventually my aunt stopped going and it became the 3 of us, my mom, Stacy and I.  We are creatures of habit.  We park in the same parking garage, we go to the same stores, we buy the same things, we eat at the same restaurant, and we do very little Christmas shopping.  Every once in a while we would invite an “outsider” into our “inner circle” but it would be short lived and the next year it would again be just the 3 of us.  Probably because they felt like an outsider in our very elite “Christmas shopping” adventure. Or maybe it was the fact that they never got to make any of the decisions.  This was never a democracy here the 3 of us called the shots!  We hated and still hate when stores moved or shuffled their departments.  The 3 of us never appreciated change!

Then all of a sudden the biggest change of all happened.  The 3 suddenly became 2 and it will never be the same.  Like I said we are still creatures of habit and we still do the same thing.  The first year we tried something totally different and it was a disaster.  We took Dad instead.  What a debacle!  A Dad just can’t replace your Mom.  I think we thought by doing something different it would make it easier.  Wrong!  We still talk about that year!

My mom has been gone for 4 years almost exactly and I ask myself, will it ever get easier?  For some reason this Holiday season has been extremely bad.  Thanksgiving comes first and I think back about what that last Thanksgiving was like with her still with us.  Black Friday is always bad because that was also a day with many memories for the 3 of us.  Not only was it Black Friday but it fell on the 25^th this year which is the day that she went home to be with Jesus.  Then we roll right into my birthday which, let’s just be honest, will never be the same without her.  What I wouldn’t give for a marble layered cake made by her for the day.  How about the Valley Christian School Christmas program where she was always sitting on the front row so proud of her grandkids.  Then the Christmas turkey which I have no idea how to make!  The list of days with special memories this time of year continues.

I thought that each year would get easier but for some reason this year seems to be the hardest.  So this is what I have learned.  Grief does not get easier with time and eventually go away.  It comes and goes and gets easier and then harder again.  It may last a moment or a day or a week and then disappears like the clouds from a storm and then suddenly returns.

I have learned that when someone passes away, that the first year is sometimes a false sense of reality when it comes to grief.  I was embarrassed to admit at first that it was a huge relief when she finally died.  Now I am ok with saying that.  The pain of watching her die the way she did was worse than the way I felt after she went to Heaven.  I went through the motions the first year and each milestone was hard but nothing like the milestones now.  So I assumed that the grief was gone.  Nope!

I have also learned that you can’t stop doing the things that you enjoyed most just because the memories hurt.  I thought finding a “new normal” meant I had to stop doing some of things that I enjoyed doing most with her.  Or I needed to change them and make new unique memories.  Now I enjoy the memories so much more of those good times.  Yes, sometimes they hurt but that is OK!  It is ok to have pain sometimes.

So today we went shopping!  We parked at Pacific Place.  We went to Macy’s, Nordstrom, Old Navy, See’s, and a few other random stores.  We ate at PF Chang’s.  We bought very few Christmas presents.  And we had a great time.  Did we talk about the fact that we missed her, yes.  But, the fact is we still went.  Do we want to try something new to make the pain less, no.

So tomorrow I will put on my “big girl pants” and talk my very sweet, understanding husband into helping me decorate for Christmas.  Because just because it hurts doesn’t mean I am going to stop doing it!

P.S. I might want to let him sleep in past 6am before I spring this on him!  He thought he had escaped it this year!