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Every year when I was little my mom and my Aunt would go Christmas shopping \u201cdowntown\u201d.\u00a0 Eventually my aunt stopped going and it became the 3 of us, my mom, Stacy and I.\u00a0 We are creatures of habit.\u00a0 We park in the same parking garage, we go to the same stores, we buy the same things, we eat at the same restaurant, and we do very little Christmas shopping.\u00a0 Every once in a while we would invite an \u201coutsider\u201d into our \u201cinner circle\u201d but it would be short lived and the next year it would again be just the 3 of us.\u00a0 Probably because they felt like an outsider in our very elite \u201cChristmas shopping\u201d adventure. Or maybe it was the fact that they never got to make any of the decisions.\u00a0 This was never a democracy here the 3 of us called the shots!\u00a0 We hated and still hate when stores moved or shuffled their departments.\u00a0 The 3 of us never appreciated change!<\/p>\n
Then all of a sudden the biggest change of all happened.\u00a0 The 3 suddenly became 2 and it will never be the same.\u00a0 Like I said we are still creatures of habit and we still do the same thing.\u00a0 The first year we tried something totally different and it was a disaster.\u00a0 We took Dad instead.\u00a0 What a debacle!\u00a0 A Dad just can\u2019t replace your Mom.\u00a0 I think we thought by doing something different it would make it easier.\u00a0 Wrong!\u00a0 We still talk about that year!<\/p>\n
My mom has been gone for 4 years almost exactly and I ask myself, will it ever get easier?\u00a0 For some reason this Holiday season has been extremely bad.\u00a0 Thanksgiving comes first and I think back about what that last Thanksgiving was like with her still with us.\u00a0 Black Friday is always bad because that was also a day with many memories for the 3 of us.\u00a0 Not only was it Black Friday but it fell on the 25th<\/sup> this year which is the day that she went home to be with Jesus.\u00a0 Then we roll right into my birthday which, let\u2019s just be honest, will never be the same without her.\u00a0 What I wouldn\u2019t give for a marble layered cake made by her for the day.\u00a0 How about the Valley Christian School Christmas program where she was always sitting on the front row so proud of her grandkids.\u00a0 Then the Christmas turkey which I have no idea how to make!\u00a0 The list of days with special memories this time of year continues.<\/p>\n I thought that each year would get easier but for some reason this year seems to be the hardest.\u00a0 So this is what I have learned.\u00a0 Grief does not get easier with time and eventually go away.\u00a0 It comes and goes and gets easier and then harder again.\u00a0 It may last a moment or a day or a week and then disappears like the clouds from a storm and then suddenly returns.<\/p>\n I have learned that when someone passes away, that the first year is sometimes a false sense of reality when it comes to grief.\u00a0 I was embarrassed to admit at first that it was a huge relief when she finally died.\u00a0 Now I am ok with saying that.\u00a0 The pain of watching her die the way she did was worse than the way I felt after she went to Heaven.\u00a0 I went through the motions the first year and each milestone was hard but nothing like the milestones now.\u00a0 So I assumed that the grief was gone.\u00a0 Nope!<\/p>\n I have also learned that you can\u2019t stop doing the things that you enjoyed most just because the memories hurt.\u00a0 I thought finding a \u201cnew normal\u201d meant I had to stop doing some of things that I enjoyed doing most with her.\u00a0 Or I needed to change them and make new unique memories.\u00a0 Now I enjoy the memories so much more of those good times.\u00a0 Yes, sometimes they hurt but that is OK!\u00a0 It is ok to have pain sometimes.<\/p>\n So today we went shopping!\u00a0 We parked at Pacific Place. \u00a0We went to Macy\u2019s, Nordstrom, Old Navy, See\u2019s, and a few other random stores.\u00a0 We ate at PF Chang\u2019s.\u00a0 We bought very few Christmas presents.\u00a0 And we had a great time.\u00a0 Did we talk about the fact that we missed her, yes.\u00a0 But, the fact is we still went.\u00a0 Do we want to try something new to make the pain less, no.<\/p>\n So tomorrow I will put on my \u201cbig girl pants\u201d and talk my very sweet, understanding husband into helping me decorate for Christmas.\u00a0 Because just because it hurts doesn\u2019t mean I am going to stop doing it!<\/p>\n P.S. I might want to let him sleep in past 6am before I spring this on him!\u00a0 He thought he had escaped it this year!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Every year when I was little my mom and my Aunt would go Christmas shopping \u201cdowntown\u201d.\u00a0 Eventually my aunt stopped going and it became the 3 of us, my mom, Stacy and I.\u00a0 We are creatures of habit.\u00a0 We park in the same parking garage, we go to the same stores, we buy the same … Continue reading What I Learned While Christmas Shopping<\/span>